Can you feel the goodness in the light of Dharma ..... -- Hoi Wan Hua a.k.a ahhoiz
Excerpted from Prajna 2004 (NTU Buddhist Society Annual Publication) and edited by FYI

"Can you feel the goodness in the light of Dharma

Search inside, look into your heart

Thrust your life right into the path of Dharma

And you know you can get very far.?*

* Excerpted from

"My Light In Darkness?

music & lyrics by ahhoiz.

These four phrases made up the chorus of the

Dharma Camp 2003 theme song. When I wrote

this song, I was brought back to a period of time that I will never forget or rather, a period of time that led me to the teachings of the Buddha.

In the year 2002, I was looking forward to university life. My ‘A?level results were not fantastic but at least, I knew I could get a place in NIE. However, my hopes collapsed when I realized I did not complete my English Proficiency Test before registration into the school. My biggest mistake was my assumption that getting a B4 for my ‘O?level English will do away with that need. Moreover, no letter was sent to me to inform me to complete the test. It was this assumption of mine that led to the following events. Seeing that my chances of entry into NIE were low, I appealed to National University of Singapore. However, things did not turn out the way I had hoped for and the appeal was unsuccessful. My heart sank. It was the end of the world: I was all alone and lost.

Days after this incident were a torture. I fell into a state of depression and lost myself completely. Silly thoughts ran through my mind, even to the extreme of ending my life. My mother was extremely disappointed and could not accept the reality. Neither could I. I started finding all kinds of ways to escape from the reality. To avoid thinking about it, I slept throughout the day. When the night came, I would sit on the living room sofa and cry endlessly till my eyes were tired and eventually, dozed off. Thoughts of negativity filled me. Here I am, stuck with nothing ahead of me. How am I going to survive with an ‘A?level certificate? Teaching was my childhood ambition, is it all gone? I started blaming fate. Why am I so unlucky? Why is it that heaven is not giving me a second chance? It was then that I know the feeling of helplessness.

Despite encouragement and comfort from my best friend and people around me, I did not recover.

One day I borrowed a book on Buddhism. Till how, I did not know why I had borrowed it. When I began reading the little thin book, flashes of past incidents appeared in front of me. I saw many new things. I saw how I had hurt my friends during my two years in junior college and committed wrong doings that I thought was right. Everything just pieced together like a jigsaw puzzle, and at that instant, my mind was clear and peaceful. Causing sufferings to other people reciprocates, just like throwing a boomerang which makes a U-turn and comes back to the thrower one day.

I pondered on my behavior and character and started reflecting. It was nobody’s fault that I could not get into the university. It was due to my own carelessness. I realized the problem with me was I was over-reliant on other people to tell me what to do and not taking enough initiative myself. Even during my days in junior college, I relied on my friends for notes, latest news and schoolwork. Due to this over-reliance, I failed to fulfill my duties as a student. I took everything that was given to me for granted and seldom was I grateful for what I had. In other words, I was rather selfish, not very responsible and sometimes, not too forgiving.

What also struck me greatly was the simple phrase, ‘All things are impermanent? One may be happy at this moment but unhappy at the next. Things never stay the same. In a way, this phrase gave me some hope that things were not as bad as I thought.

"If I was willing to change myself and do something useful and meaningful, I knew that I would still be given a chance to prove myself. If I never try, I never know.”Eventually, I came to understand that things do not always turn out the way we want them to be. There is always a level of uncertainty. No matter what the problem is, I suggest accepting it and finding the best solution. If there is no solution, then I suggest accepting it as part of an experience in life. If we look at our problems in such a way, I feel that life would be much more enjoyable and happier. Together with help from friends and family, Buddhism had given me the strength to accept the situation I was in and as time passed, I pulled myself back into reality. It took me about 2 to 3 weeks to be myself again. I started tutoring children to gain experience in teaching. Along the way, I practised the teachings of the Buddha and before long I was smiling again.

I waited another year for university registration to fulfill my childhood ambition. Some people may say that the waiting had caused me to waste one year of my life or maybe I should have studied another course in a private university. However, I have come to see that one year as a journey in learning. Not only did I gain teaching experience and exposure to children’s behavior, I was given the chance to practise Buddhism; a chance to explore and reflect on myself as well as to see clearly the direction I am heading. I began to understand that humans can choose to live a happy life if they are able to awaken the wisdom and compassion in themselves and practise understanding towards all beings through practising Buddhism.

Now, as I recall this incident that happened one and a half years ago, it became clear that this incident was not meant to be a disaster but a wake-up call for me to be more responsible of my life. Without this crucial turning point, I would not be able to treasure my place and experience in the university. It was the Dharma, which lighted up my path, helping me to find my way out of the darkness. And I believed that it could light up yours too.

Sadhu! Sadhu! Sadhu!

Miss Hoi is presently a primary school teacher. She started practising Buddhism since 2002 and felt the joy of learning the Dharma. She still writes and plays Buddhist hymns with her band members, Voicegraffiti. The picture below shows Miss Hoi and her band members performing on Vesak Day.