Interpersonal Relations and Vipassana Meditation -- By Lily de Silva / Photo: Ang Chao Pak (Excerpted from Annual Magazine of the Buddha Dhamma Mandala Society 1992)

The human being is essentially a social animal. He cannot survive alone. The human child goes through a long period of growth before he can fend for himself in any meaningful way. During this period he needs the love and care of his parents. When he is older, he needs the support of not only the members of his family but also of his community and society. Alone the human being is defenceless and vulnerable, but together there seems to be hardly any problem he cannot surmount. As it is only by working together that man can lead a profitable meaningful life, interpersonal relations assume great significance in society.

Though essentially a social animal, the human being practically lives alone in a private world of his own, constructed by his sense experience. No two human beings can share the same world of sense experience. Each one sees the world differently from his own perspective and each one reacts differently to what he sees too in his own unique way. What one person loves and treasures may be dislikened and considered a trifle by another. What is beautiful and precious to one, may be ugly and worthless to another. Thus each one of us has his own private world of sense experience with his own fears, guilt, prejudices, obssessions, likes and dislikes. This makes interpersonal relations problematic unless we understand the realities underlying individual idiosyncrasies and adopt an intelligent sympathetic attitude of tolerance towards each other.

When we deal with other people our relationships are influenced to a great extent by our previous experiences. Those who have generated feelings of pleasure and happiness in us, we tend to regard them as friends. Those who have generated painful feelings in us, we tend to them regard as enemies. Those who generate neutral feelings in us, we regard them as strangers. We hardly relate to others without any affective bias. Generally we have a mixture of these emotional biases when we relate to others. Similarly, others too relate to us through emotional biases of their own making. As emotions generally distort reality and as they themselves keep on changing all the time, interpersonal relations which are coloured by them become complex and tricky, unpredictable and difficult. Vipassana meditation helps us a great deal to understand and master our emotions and thus improve the quality of our interpersonal relations.

The Sigalovada Sutta *1 enumerates six fundamental relationships an individual is called upon to enter into society. They are the relationships between parents and children, teachers and pupils, husband and wife, the individual and friends, employers and employees and the layman and the clergy. This sutta defines the mutual reciprocal duties and responsibilities of these parties, and the stability and harmony of the relationship depends on the commitment of each member to his or her duty. The rights of each member are duly fulfilled by the discharge of duties by other members in partnership. The neglect of duties causes the erosion of unity, quality of life and human values. The Sutta seems to circumvent problems arising out of emotional biases and conflicts by laying emphasis on the moral obligations of each individual to other members of the society. The more closely one adheres to sila, moral precepts, the more harmonious these interpersonal relations become.

In the Sakkapanhna Sutta*2, Sakka raises an interesting question regarding interpersonal relations. Though people wish and make pious resolutions to live in harmony with one another without enmity and aggression, without recourse to weapons against one another, they in fact live in disharmony, harbouring anger and ill-will against one another, sometimes resorting to weapons to terrorise and kill one another. What is the reason for this paradoxical situation that in spite of wanting to live in harmony, they cannot do so? Buddha replies that unwholesome negative emotions such as jealousy, covetousness, likes and dislikes, partiality and preoccupation with prejudices are responsible for intolerance, strife, disharmony and disunity in society.

Buddhism maintains that man’s vision is obscured by five negative emotions called nivarana (hindrances). These are the desire for sensual pleasures (kamacchanda), anger or ill-will (vyapada), indolence and lethargy (thinamiddha), restlessness and worry (uddhaccakukkucca), and doubt or perplexity (vicikiccha)*3. This group of five seems to summarise all man’s negative emotions as practically all unwholesome emotions we can think of, can be categorised under one or other in this group. For instance, greed and selfishness can be put under kamacchanda, jealousy, envy, hatred etc. under vyapada, indifference and callousness under thinamiddha, pride and remorse under uddhaccakukkucca, and fear, anxiety and depression under vicikiccha, etc. Thus the five nivaranas can be taken as quite a comprehensive analysis of the negative emotions of man. Buddha Dhamma recognises that negative emotions cloud man’s discerning ability and impair his judgemental capacities. This fact is beautifully illustrated by the simile of water in the Bojjhanga samyutta*4. The mind overpowered by the desire for sensual pleasures is compared to coloured water which fails to give the true undiscoloured image of an object reflected on it. The mind overpowered by anger is compared to boiling water which also fails to reflect an image as well. The lazy mind is compared to moss-covered water which is incapable of reflecting an image at all. The mind given to restlessness and worry is like wind-tossed turbulent water which cannot reflect a steady undisturbed image. The mind under the grip of doubt is like muddy water placed in darkness which also cannot portray a proper image. Thus the water simile is a lucid illustration of the inability of the mind to understand an issue in its realistic perspective when labouring under the weighty influence of negative emotions. When we are unable to judge issues impartially, problems get exaggerated far out of proportion and our interpersonal relations get adversely affected, sometimes resulting in gruesome crimes and even widespread violence.

Emotions work in man at three interconnected levels and they are called in Pali vitikkama, pariyutthana and anusaya*5. Vitikkama is the overt level at which negative emotions burst into expression through the channels of verbal and physical behaviour. They may break social norms and codes of ethical behaviour. For instance, if a man is under a spell of anger, he will use abusive words and resort to physical violence. When negative emotions assume such overt proportions, interpersonal relations get disrupted or very much strained and impaired. Pariyutthana is the conscious level where negative emotions come to the surface of the mind, but do not find expression through words and deeds. For instance, anger has risen, but the person can restrain himself without giving vent to it verbally and physically. Here, though interpersonal relations may not get disrupted to the same extent as in the previous case, a sense of intolerance and an atmosphere of cold war sets in. A person wont to experience this sort of ‘boiling within?often, may become victim of psychological and psychosomatic disorders. He is not at peace with himself. Depending on the intensity and frequency of these internal emotional experiences he can be at war with himself to a greater or lesser degree. He who is not at peace with himself cannot have genuine peace with others around him. Anusaya is the latent level at which negative emotions lurk deep within the human mind. This is the melting pot of negative emotions where they get fermented. They constantly send emotional fumes and gases to the upper levels. This latent level is fed by negative reactions at the overt level. The more negative unethical behaviour is displayed at the verbal and the physical level, the stronger the emotional fermentation at the latent level. The stronger the fermentation at the latent level, the more prone the person becomes to violent behaviour at the overt level of words and deeds. Thus a vicious cycle is formed. So long as this vicous cycle is not broken, then so long the individual is at unrest or war with himself. So long as a person is a problem to himself, then so long he is a problem to society and interpersonal relations are at jeopardy.

The Buddha teaches a method of weakening this vicious circle and ultimately breaking it. The first step is to be restrained at the overt level by the observance of moral precepts (sila). An individual who refrains from negative antisocial behaviour through words and deeds, prevents strengthening the latent level by feeding it with less and less emotional ammunition. At the social level, he maintains respectable interpersonal relations. He would be a conscientious individual who meticulously discharges all his duties, such as those delineated in the Sigalovada Sutta.

The conscious level of manifestation of negative emotions is disciplined with tranquility meditation (samatha-bhavana). By this method, the volatile mind is calmed and negative emotions are much weakened. The individual experiences peace proportionate to the calm he has developed. He also improves the quality of interpersonal relations to some extent. The Aghatavagga of the Anguttara Nikaya*6 explains how to deal with a specific negative emotion, namely anger which often besmears interpersonal relations. According to this discourse, anger should be allayed considering the different character types of the people with whom one happens to get angry. The methods of consideration are illustrated with the help of appropriate similes. If a person gets angry with another who has blameworthy physical conduct but is shameless in verbal conduct, one must consider his good blameless verbal qualities and try to get rid of the anger. This is compared to taking the useful part of a rag and discarding the worn-out parts. If one gets angry with a person who has a foul mouth but is blameless in physical conduct, one must ignore his foul speech and appreciate his good physical conduct and thus try not to get angry. The simile given is of a pond covered with moss, where one can move aside the moss with one’s hands and drink from the cool waters. Thus turn a blind eye on his bad qualities and appreciate his good qualities and thereby get rid of the anger. If the person with whom one gets angry is evil in both verbal and physical behaviour, but displays good qualities from time to time, one must give credit to these rare moments of good conduct and not get angry with him. It is like drinking water from a small puddle, taking care not to disturb its clear surface water. But if one gets angry with a person who has no good qualities at all, one must refrain from getting angry with him through pity. One should have compassion for him just as one would take pity and help a man who is desperately ill in a lonely desert. If, on the other hand, one happens to get angry with a person of pure noble qualities, one should appreciate all his goodness and dispel the anger, just as one would drink, bathe and enjoy the cool waters of a large pollution-free lake. Thus, whatever the character of a person with whom one happens to get angry, one must try to get rid of the anger and restore a friendly wholesome relationship.

Anger is a dangerous negative emotion which defiles the mind and spoils interpersonal relations very quickly. It is compared to fire which burns its very support, as anger consumes the very person in whom it arises. The Visuddimagga*7 compares the act of trying to abuse another with anger to hitting another with live coal or excreta. It may or may not hit the target, but it certainly burns or defiles the hand that grabbed it. Thus the effect of anger is felt first by the person who generates it. It may or may not affect the person against whom it is directed. It can destroy harmony in interpersonal relations. Considering all these evil inherent in the negative emotion of anger, one must try to get rid of it. When anger is eliminated, the mind gradually becomes filled with metta (loving-kindness).

To improve the quality of interpersonal relations, one can also practise the active cultivation of positive sublime emotions such as metta (loving-kindness), karuna (compassion), mudita (sympathetic joy) and upekka (equanimity). In order to practise these effectively, one must understand what is meant by each. These are non-biological, non-utilitarian modes of human relationships which generate no sorrow or disappointment at any stage. Metta (sanskrit maitri) is derived from mitra which means friend. Therefore, its simplest meaning is friendliness. Pali commentators*8 explain it as “the sublime emotion which softens and lubricates (the human heart)?(Mejjatiti metta, siniyhatiti attho). It has to be carefully distinguished from pema (affection), which gives rise to grief*9 (Pemato jayati soko). Compassion is the sublime emotion which impels one to help another in distress*10. This has to be distinguished from personal involvement in others?troubles and the experience of sadness; it means the detached readiness to help. Sympathetic joy is the gladness one experiences in the happiness of another*11. But this does not mean that one should develop a vested interest in another’s success. Equanimity is the ability to maintain an even psychological balance in the face of the vicissitudes of life. These positive sublime emotions help a great deal to foster and cement harmonious interpersonal relations.

The meditation on loving-kindness (metta-bhavana) is not confined to sitting quietly in a corner and repeating the phrase “May all beings be well and happy? Repeating this phrase is one method of trying to impress this positive emotion into the mental make-up. One must do this repetition with deep sincerity and sensitivity so that it gets ingrained as a spontaneous emotion and genuine atittude. In addition to this formalised exercise, one must consciously cultivate metta in one’s vocal and physical behaviour in dealing with others. Even a single word like “Yes?can be politely uttered to pour out metta, while a rude “Yes?can express anger and spoil an intimate relationship. When one is engaged in normal day to day activities too, one can set about them calmly and gently with an attitude of amity and genuine interest in the work done. The same work can be done rudely in a haphazard manner with a display of negative emotions and that would deeply impair interpersonal relations. Therefore, one intent on the cultivation of metta should take proper care of his verbal and physical behaviour as well. It is with the cultivation of metta that we can develop interpersonal relations free from emotional bias.

Even though the conscious level of negative emotions can be taken care of by these methods, the latent level of emotional fermentation can be eradicated only by the practice of insight meditation (vipassana-bhavana). This stops the surge of negative emotions from deep within to the conscious and overt levels and the individual begins to experience deeply satisfying peace within himself. His peace remains undisturbed even when provoked. It is such a person who is capable of establishing genuinely harmonious interpersonal relations.

Let us now consider the practical aspect of vipassana meditation. Generally vipassana cannot be practised without a basis of tranquility (samatha). Tranquility is best developed with anapanasati (the awareness of the in-breath and the out-breath). There is nothing mysterious or mystical about this practice; it is an exercise to calm the monkey-like restless mind. When the mind gradually calms down with the regular practice of samatha, one begins to notice the appearance of negative emotions whenever they occur. This is a great step forward as one was not even aware of the appearance of negative emotions earlier. It is true, for instance, that one has reacted to anger with impolite behaviour on many an occasion, but it is done mechanically, unmindfully. That is why one cannot often remember what one said or did at a moment of intense hostility. To be aware of the fact that one is angry is itself a meditative experience. The second step in the mastery of anger is to restrain one’s negative behaviour. When this has been repeated on a number of occasions (and the anapanasati exercise is going on regularly), one begins to notice the physical sensations one experiences at the time one is angry. These sensations comprise feeling hot, breaking out in a sweat, faster heartbeat, restlessness, etc. When one pays attention to these physical manifestations corresponding to the emotion of anger, one will be surprised to note how anger itself subsides. When this process is repeated on a number of occasions when anger is present, gradually anger diminishes in intensity as well as frequency. One gradually begins to notice a transformation in one’s character. An impatient, irritable person becomes a tolerant, amiable person. Positive sublime emotions such as loving kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity begin to emerge. One begins to experience peace within, and peace in all interpersonal relationships. Thus it is by the practice of vipassana meditation at the individual level that genuine lasting peace can be fostered at the social level. When peace at the individual level is widespread, the social fabric gets woven into a beautiful pattern of high quality culture, elegantly embroidered with the peace and harmony of interpersonal relations.

References: All references are to editions of the Pali Text Society, London.

1. Dighanikaya III 190

2. Ibid II 276

3. Ibid i 71

4. Samyuttanikaya V 121-125

5. Visuddhimagga I 5

6. Anguttaranikaya III 186-190

7. Visuddimagga I 301

8. Atthasalini 192

9. Dhammapada 213

10. Atthasalini 192

11. Ibid 193

(Lily de Silva was educated at the University of Ceylon, Peradeniya, where she received a B.A. with First Class Honors in Pali and the Woodward Prize for Pali and, in 1967, a Ph.D. She taught at the University for many years and served as Chair of the Department of Pali and Buddhist Studies until her retirement in 1994.)