Friendship -- By Venerable Dhammasami D.Phil (Oxford)

The kind of friendship I would like to reflect upon today is somewhat different from what is normally understood. A Friend is a person known well to you and regarded with liking, affection and loyalty. This is how many people usually perceive it. Youngsters would automatically understand it as a kind of relationship that exists between two people or among a group of classmates. But here in the context of the teachings of the Buddha, I would like to define friendship in a wider sense to mean being a member of society where someone is linked to someone else in one way or another.

I must admit before I go into some details here that I am very much limited by the English word 'Friend'?in trying to reflect on the teachings of the Lord Buddha on the subject which is enshrined in Pali, a language quite different altogether from the one I am using as a medium in this talk.

In Pali, there are many terms to indicate friendship; they differ from one another in the degree of interdependency that exists between individuals concerned. We have come across, so far, more than ten of them like Mitta, Sahayaka, Sakha, Vatthu, Sahaya, Sampavanka, Dutiya, Parisa, Sangaha, Sappurisa, Sahadhammika, Sandittha and Sambhatta. It is a shame, however, that we cannot go into these terms in detail in this talk.

I mentioned first that friendship is something that exists between members of society. Who are they? It will become just so clear to you if you open your eyes with fresh awareness and look around you. Your parents are the first members of society you associate with in your life. Then, brothers and sisters, then teachers and schoolmates when you are sent to school. As you grow older you add more people to the list of those you have come across in your life; in a bus you meet people; in hospital you have them there; in shopping centres they are there... people... people... and people. All are members of society. We are linked to one another in one way or the other.

Actually, in using the various Pali words indicating friendship I mentioned earlier, the Buddha must have wanted to indicate the environment you are in. Your parents, relatives, schoolmates, classmates, teachers*1, spouses, physician, employer and employees, and many more ?all these people are your environments. They become your environments. The environment that surrounds you is conditioning you. They influence the way you think and act.

So the Buddha said, "Carefully choose your own associates" , (Asevana ca balanam panditananca sevana), meaning, do not associate with the fool but only with the wise. It has to be started when we are young. We need to be taught. Here again that is only possible if we have very good friends ?father and mother. Our whole future depends on it. Recent research in Britain says that kids admire their parents more than their superstar icon. To be able to depend on one's parents as role model is extremely important for a person to be able to live a full life.

The Puggala Vagga of the Anguttara Nikaya states that the Buddha and the Cakkavatti (a universal monarch) are the two that people may be fortunate enough to have as a friend. They bring progress, benefit, happiness and peace to many. People have benefitted from the teachings of the Buddha for almost two thousand and six hundred years now. It is there for anyone without any discrimination. A Sri Lankan can benefit from it as much as a Westerner does.

A Cakkavatti is a righteous ruler who cares very much for the social and spiritual progress of his subjects. Just imagine what happens in Rwanda, Kampuchea and so on where people have to live in fear, not being able to live a full life, not being able to develop social and spiritual progress. We have nearly all our specialists and consultants living outside the country affecting the development of the country in a great deal.

The Buddha and the righteous rulers are therefore the best friends we can ever have in our lives. Here in the case of not getting the best enviroment for our social and spiritual development, Buddhism teaches that we as human beings, have to make effort to be as pure as a lotus flower ?it grows in the mud, it comes up above the mud and water level to live the full life of a lotus flower. It is not dirty with mud nor is it affected by the murky water.

Our life is full of unsatisfactory situations. We are hardly satisfied with our environment; we have so many complaints, and when we meet each other, we find ourselves endlessly gossiping about someone or complaining about a system... health-care, transportation, programmes on television.., rubbish in newspapers... the behaviours of our neighbours... or people you find at work-place or even you meet in the church and temple.

You can be easily carried away, spoiled and corrupted by the circumstances that you are in.

Just continue to imagine for a second what it would be like if we have to be conditioned by those unsatisfactory conditions all the time. What would you mean by life if they are not able find anything worthwhile... meaningful and enjoyable at all. So to learn how to deal with your environment.. in other words to have a good friend is very important.

The Sigalovada Sutta is one of those better known dis- courses that elaborate on who is a good friend and who is not. As you all know, someone who is selfish, who talks much about the past and future, not the present, ... who persuades you to gossip... who says good things about you in your presence and criticises you in your absence... who ruins you with intoxicants and drugs... who encourages you to associate with immoral acts.... he is a bad friend.

On the other hand, good friend means, in brief, the one who protects you and your interests, who encourages you to do good things..., who helps you, who never abandons you when you are in trouble, who asks you to refrain from doing bad things, who does not gossip about you, who appreciates your good qualities and achievements, who acknowledges his own weak points... and who is not boastful... he is a good friend.

It is recorded in the Majjhima Nikaya, Goliyani Sutta, that one day Venerable Sariputta was admonishing bhikkhus who are forest-dwellers. He asked them to find a good friend and above all to be a good friend themselves. At the end of the talk, his best friend, Venerable Moggallana asked Venerable Sariputta if a good friend is needed only for the forest-dwellers.*2 Venerable Sariputta*3 replied a bhikkhu who is a forest-dweller, when he is among the Sangha should develop the will to listen and be a good friend himself. It is even more important for the city-dweller bhikkhu.

It is clear that we not only must have a good friend but also must be a good friend ourselves. All the teachings of the Buddha are but to train us to become a good friend to one another. Of course, it manifests in various forms such as a good parent, good neighbour, good teachers, good citizen, etc....

There are many words of the Buddha spoken on the subject especially to enhance harmony between friends. Again in the Sigalovada Sutta, He defines friends into six categories: parents and children, employer and employee, husband and wife, moral guardians and their followers, teacher and pupils, and associates.

They are compared with the six directions, which you have to keep secure by fulfilling your duties and responsibilities towards them.

The Buddha always referred to Himself as a teacher*4 and included Himself in the list of friend. In the Kosala Samyutta, it says that at home a mother is a friend. The merits you acquired by fulfilling your duty as husband or wife, as a member of society and country, will be your good friend that helps you till next life.*5

Somewhere in the Anguttara Nikaya, Sangaha Sutta, the Buddha also advises us to be generous towards each other, to speak only sweet and kind words, to help boost the interests of each other and not to have any discriminations in dealing with people. These four practices are considered helpful in harmonising our friendship in society. Loving-kindness, compassion, joyous feeling and equanimity that are known as four sublime qualities are also to harmonise and strengthen friendship in society.

When the Buddha was still alive, one day, the King Pasenadi of Kosala came to see Him. The King reported to the Buddha about the conversation between himself and Venerable Ananda. The King said that on that occasion, Venerable Ananda told him that a good friend is worth half of a holy life.

The Buddha said, "f He were to be told by Ananda like that, He would have said to Ananda, that a good friendship is worth not only half the holy life; it is in fact equal to the whole holy life itself" *6. This is because a good friend helps you develop the Noble Eightfold Path as a way of life.

In plain terms, it means when you have a good friend, you have already fulfilled all the purposes of spiritual achievement. But if you have fallen into bad friendship, you have lost all of it.

1. A good teacher: 1. Metta vagga, Pannya Sutta, A.N. 2. Mahavagga, Vinaya Pitaka. 3. Devadatta-vipatti Sutta, Atthaka-nipata, Metta vagga, A.

2. Arannyikenavuso bhikkhuna sanghagatena sanghe viharantena suvacena bhavitabbam kalyanamittena??

3. "rannyikena pi kho avuso Moggallana bhikkhuna ime dhamma samadaya vattitabba, pageva gamanta-viharina".?

4. Mahaparinibbana Sutta, etc.

5. "atapunnyani kammani mittam samparayikam".?

6. "paddham idam bhante brahmacaiyassa, yadidam kalyana-mitta, kalyana-sahayata, kalyana-sampa-vankata"?