Releasing Resentment. How It can Improve Couple Communications

-- by Ang Thiam Hong, Director (Counselling) Hearty Care Centre (subsidiary of the Singapore Buddhist Welfare Services)

Very often my clients who seek counselling for their marital problems cite communication or lack of it as one of their core problems. And I also notice that many of them have already read widely on desirable communication skills but are still unable to implement what they learnt. Why? They often cite as reasons that they are unwilling to even initiate a conversation with and/or unable to respond calmly to their partners. One culprit seems to be their bottled-up resentment towards their partners that has built up over the years, and sometimes they are not even aware of it. At least that has been my experience, as a psychotherapist, with my clients.

How can I find out if my built-up resentment is holding back my willingness to communicate?

If you seem unwilling to initiate communicating and do not know why, do spend some quiet time on your own and reflect. Look back over the years of your marriage and see if you can recall how your partner may have hurt your feelings very severely.

What is resentment?

It is a re-stressing process that reminds us again and again of the hurt that caused us. We get angry. When that happens, our hurt increases. This re-stressing process normally results in revengeful thoughts.

How can it affect your communications with your partner?

* You may be unwilling to make the effort to resolve your conflicts.

* Even when you have already started the conversation, you may have difficulties sustaining the calm tone of your voice.

* You may verbally abuse your partner due to your inappropriate anger i.e. anger that erupts when there is no source of threat, or at an intensity that is out of proportion to the level of threat.

* You may be passive-aggressive in that what and how you say things remain calm but your actions indicate otherwise. For example, you seem so "willing" to give your spouse a lift to work in the morning yet you deliberately leave your home late knowing very well that your spouse will be late for work. In the process, you seem so "cool" and may even apologise to him/her for not leaving your home on time for no valid reason.

What can cause resentment to build up?

* Constant criticisms by partner e.g. the husband criticises his wife's appearance and poor management of the home, family finances and children.

* Ill-treatment by husband when wife was pregnant e.g. refusing to bring wife to the hospital on day of delivery.

* Constant humiliation by partner either verbally or non-verbally e.g. wife belittles husband's lack of vocational success.

* Unanswered questions regarding wife's sexual activities before and after marriage.

* Physical abuse by partner.

* Sexual abuse by partner e.g. withholding sex by wife or unreasonable demands for sex by husband.

* Partner's extramarital affairs.

* Husband's attention is focussed on his siblings and parents instead of on his wife e.g. husband is very generous with his siblings and parents but questions his wife's every household expenses.

How else can releasing resentment be useful, other than in helping to initiate communications?

It can be a liberating experience and you can feel a sense of inner peace. Your emotional health can improve and that in turn would improve your physical health.

It is an important first stage in the forgiveness process.

So how can I release my resentment?

* If possible, speak directly with your spouse. Express what is or has been bothering you and discuss how both of you can improve the situation. Direct communications is often an effective way to clarify misunderstandings and eliminate suspicions that are obstacles to maintaining healthy relationships.

* If you have difficulty verbalising, you may write instead of speaking. You never know, your partner may actually be more comfortable with this way of communicating. For example, you may first write and then tell your partner that you would like him/her to read it, think about it, and then verbally discuss with you when he/she is ready.

* Think about the costs of holding on to your resentment. When you are feeling very resentful, you are the party who is actually feeling hurt not your partner. You are so consumed by your resentment that you are not able to deal with the situation rationally. Your health may deteriorate and you would soon realise that hanging on to your resentment normally gets you nowhere.

* Try to see the situation from your partner's angle. He or she may have a valid reason to behave in that situation that hurt your feelings e.g. your spouse criticised your mother out of anger and impulsiveness because he or she returned home from a very stressful day at work. When you understand the situation, your anger may subside somewhat and that is useful in preventing an impulsive reaction that you may regret.

* Think, do you have any "benefits" or secondary gains for holding on to your resentment? Perhaps it was an obvious simple misunderstanding that can be resolved by a simple apology. However, you may continue to hang on to your resentment to justify your outbursts perhaps because you are too proud to apologise or find it difficult to deal with your possibly embarrassing reaction.

* When you were hurt by your partner's remarks, were you actually too sensitive? Did you make too much out of your partner's remarks? For example, your partner expressed an opinion that was different from yours, and you misinterpreted that as an attack on your personality.

How is resentment related to forgiveness?

Forgiveness involves:

* Releasing your resentment gradually until there is no desire to seek revenge.

* Developing compassion for your partner through a growing understanding of how your partner had also been suffering.

Realistically can we achieve both?

It is difficult but not impossible. If you can reduce the intensity of your resentment, it is a good start.

Developing compassion may follow naturally.

What is the first step I need to take if I want to forgive?

Make a conscious decision to forgive! At first, you may not be willing to do so. That is normal and understandable because you are angry and hurt.

Does forgiveness mean that you condone your partner's actions?

No. Forgiving does not mean condoning. When your partner hits you, you need not condone that action. However, you can still forgive him.

Must forgiving be unconditional?

Not necessarily so. It is not always useful to forgive unconditionally. If your partner hits you, you can still forgive but on the condition that if he or she hits you again, you will do what is necessary to protect yourself including resorting to the law.

In the case of our children, some parents are able to forgive them unconditionally. However, I have heard in counselling that some children do take advantage of their parents' generosity and repeat the same or similar actions that caused the hurt in the first place. In this case, the question of whether unconditional forgiveness is always useful needs to be re-examined.

Does forgiveness mean reconciliation?

Not necessarily so but it can be an important step to reconciling if that is what you want. Remember, forgiveness is a process that involves releasing your resentment until there is no desire to seek revenge; it does not mean reconciliation

How can we develop a more forgiving attitude?

You would tend to be more forgiving if you are able to ask for forgiveness when necessary. You may also try to be a more generous (giving) person. Once you develop the giving habit, it becomes part of you and giving forgiveness would be easier.

But what can I give?

* Love

* Time (volunteer your services)

* Thank you's (try to find something to thank others for)

* Knowledge and experiences (teach and share your knowledge and experiences to benefit others)

* Money (donate to a charity of your choice)

* Dharma (directly or indirectly)

Is it true that we tend to receive what we give away?

I have experienced that when I give in my small ways, I sometimes seem to receive something back although in different ways and at different times. For example, I had on more than one occasion forgave my teenage children for very badly hurting my feelings and, recently - five years later - I felt really thankful when a close friend of mine was able to forgive me for an unfortunate wrong doing. However, it would be more beneficial to really give instead of exchange because when you are a total giver, you have no fear, and would feel more peaceful.

"May all beings be free of sufferings and its causes"