Living Past the Hurts -- Ho Wai Hong

When we are young and unsure, we seek approval from others. Sometimes, we subtly seek another kind of approval by proving to others that we don't need them. Sometimes, we look in the wrong places, yearn the wrong things.

Sometimes, we seek distractions through desire, aversion, sensual pleasure, etc, (the poisons of the mind). And sometimes, we put what is important to us in another person's hands.

Sometimes, we do not know it is so important to us, or did not want to face the reality that it is indeed important to us, or learnt later on, through the opportunity costs (consequences) of such an action, that it is important to us, or were taught later on that it is really important to us.

It is important to note that whether it truly is important to us is another matter. For example, we could percieve it as important to us because we conceptualize something else to compare to, eg, time lost, opportunities lost, additional effort needed.

Sometimes, we indeed are challenged with the inability to act appropriately and responsibly. This is a gift, or the seed of a gift. If this challenge is completed, one finds a sense of peace and one of the fruits of the challenge is the hindsight gleaned of the circumstances one was in. And one realizes that such a circumstance is like any other in life.

Sometimes, when we could not assume our responsibilities, could not accept our own self worth, or have not found true peace and joy, we are given indicators.

These indicators help us to know ourselves better, and helps point the way to true peace and happiness. These indicators are often strong emotional feelings, such as anger, angst, sense of being wronged. These are by nature strong, as they contained the pent up energy from unresolved hurts and feelings.

The stronger they are, the longer we have been holding on to a set of beliefs that may no longer serve us. Another way to look at it is being strong, they also serve as a reservior to provide us the energy to effect a carthasis, and then a metamorphosis, and then the growth for a change, and the release can sometimes be an overwhelming sense of relieve and freedom.

After all, who is to say it doesn't take a lot of energy to burn up karma, or to push us towards a different stage of realisation? Or using the adage of carrying a big growing rock of burden with us, it is the same thing. It is only by releasing that big rock that we can leap further ahead. However, as long as they are not released, the same energy applied towards negativity may one day overwhelm us and consume us.

All it takes is an understanding and a decision to grow, and great courage to face the pain of letting go of this rock which we have grown too accustomed and attached to. But once this is done, nothing is too difficult anymore.

The stages one normally go through when we are faced with certain challenges and setbacks are: Denial, Blame, Acceptance, Moving on.

There are many examples of indicators when we have not gone past the initial stages of Denial and Blame on certain issues. Sometimes, in trying to cope with life, we adopt practical survival tactics and embrace mentalities and ways of living that helps us focus on the positive aspects of things. While this is helpful, some unresolved issues may be covered over by a superficial understanding of the methods. These unhealed issues surface in the form of these indicators.

An example of one such indicator is when we still haven't forgiven another person when we blame them for the causes of all our troubles. This indicator points out the fact that there is something unforgiven, but the cause may not be that person whom we blame. It just happened that this person merely reflected an aspect of what's blocked within us.

Another is when we have strong feelings/attachments to what we consider is the right way of doing things. If we are "better than another", that invariably mean we have something to learn. Ego is an indicator.

But whatever actions we make, we make them at a moment with whatever emotional state, knowledge, belief and values we have accumulated and is equipped with at that time. What we are equipped with are our karma. The decision we make at that point triggers our karma to ripen. Which is why some Buddhist thank the person who has just slapped them, in the belief that some of their karma has been burnt up.

And with the trials and tribulations that we face, with the catharsis of karma dissipating itself with our collective acts, we uncover the little indentations and ridges, the whorls and bumps that form our human psyche. We learn to feel our real being underneath the surface through all that has happened.

We learn, after the fact. If we did know before the fact, then we need not learn. Indeed, if part of the attribute of enlightenment is omniscence (knowing everything),then we'd be, by definition, enlightened if we did not need to learn.

So if we look past the incident where we marked with our blame, everyone whom we blame, if we look past their actions unto us, we see our own involvements or non involvements in their lives that led us to their certain actions upon us.

It really doesn't matter what we did, but how we are with each other. It does everything because we need to be in order for "everything else" to have happened. That's why we have karma with another person. The lesson imparted in such a involvement may be different for each of the participant. But what was essential was that we needed the energy exchange to bring out such a lesson.

If they did something to which we react with strong emotions, if we could learn to look deeply into the source of these emotions within ourselves, perhaps we can find out the key to the lesson. Perhaps we are not equipped to have such penetrating insight at the moment. Through the way we deal with such circumstances, we slowly become equipped.

Part of the equipment is the people we meet, and the karma we have with them. So it pays forward and insights from another karmic encounter may serve to unravel a bondage from a previous one. Through another whom has a lesson with us, we may learn to forgive and appreciate a person we previously encountered.

So, all in all, there is no loss. The roads we walked, and thought we did not choose to walk, or thought we chosed to walk, are valuable. If we need not prove how we live life is truly valid and worthy, or responsible, or beneficial to others, we'd have no need for fear nor anger. Nor sleepless nights, nor blame. We'll just live it, strong in the knowledge that we are.

But we do need to prove.

A way we prove is by teaching, or sharing. We externalised what we know onto a set of circumstances onto another person, so that we can see it from a perspective that is not as involved. In doing so, we learn our own lessons. That is why "others" are so important. The others whom trigger our strong emotional indicators, and others whom trigger our self righteousness and self concept whereupon we can exercise our lessons onto. They are all "out there" so that we can dissociate our own pains far enough to see the jewels we have gained.

We prove until we are equipped not to need to prove.

The sense of self-worth and being without fear, nor anger, nor loss, nor sadness would be the best lesson anyone could impart. But the person we impart our wisdom or our flaws and follibles to is with us for also for the same karmic contract and reason. Which is to say, we are dealt the hand which we need.

Which means to say, coming back to the way we begun, a child/student/friend comes to us because he or she has a mutual lesson with us. We may want the most perfect for them, but we are bounded by our own "imperfections". This, however, does not necessarily mean we are too flawed to teach them properly. It only means they need our special brand of imperfection, and us theirs, to bring out what's perfect in them and ourselves. It's not what we do, but how we are with each other.

And from moment to moment, we learn to make a conscious decision to ripen the seeds and harvest the fruits of our lessons, to accept it all, and to release it all with love and joy.

If there is anything we can impart a child to equip him or her, it is a sense of peace and serenity that life works. At the same time, prove that. Not to anyone else. But ourselves.

So we learn.

May all beings achieve a wholesome internal state of eternal and universal "sayang" (love) for themselves and for each other and all sentient beings.